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PAKISTAN PUNCH |
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TARIQ MAHMOOD MIAN |
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Newly announced admission policy for medical colleges in Sindh: 
Total number of seats decreased by 10% while the reserve (quota) seats for armed forces sees an increase by 30% for MBBS and 50% for BDS. During the 'good governance' rule Pakistan did not win a single medal at the Sydney Olympics 2000. Perhaps we can have the ICC establish a reserve (quota) of medals for us. It may be our only way to achieve glory at Athens in 2004. (R. Desousa-Karachi)
Q:Kulsoom Nawaz Sharif and her three loyal companions are besieged by  the
military rulers in a car for 9 hours , car battery
is gone, it's police infested area and it's pitch dark, so they can't
see a thing. They have a map of the area, a candle, one match and a mobile
phone. They desperately need to see the map and get an idea of how to move
out of that area. They strike the match to light the candle but to their
horror the match breaks and is unusable...
What do they do??? A:Call Hansie Cronje. He fixes matches.
  The
mother of General Musharraf said that
her son was very fond of eating phirni (sweet dish). General
Musharraf himself told the students of his alma mater Forman
Christian College in Lahore that he used to switch off the lights in
his hostel to make many plates of the sweet dish 'disappear' in the dark.
(J)
NAB has taken cognizance of payments made by ex-minister for information Mushahid Hussain to journalists, which was deemed illegal by audit department. The following journalists received envelopes containing cheques in their names from Policy Research Institute: Rafeeq Ghauri, editor GNN (Rs one lakh); Asadullah Ghalib, columnist Jang (Rs one lakh); Dr Shireen Mazari, editor Pulse (Rs 2.5 lakh); Mrs Irfan Ghazi (Rs 50,000); Ms Shamila & Mudassar Ghazi (Rs 50,000); Khaleel Malik, broadcaster & columnist (ONLY Rs 50,000/- ..a poor show). From the PM's Literacy Bureau, the following received illegal sums: Nusrat Mirza (Rs 50,000); Jehanzeb Khan Kattak (Rs one lakh); Asadullah Ghalib (Rs 50,000); Prof Muhiuddin (Rs 50,000). Other recipients of unauthorised funds were: Inqilab Matri, editor Millat (Rs 5 lakh); Nihal Hashmi (Rs 2 lakh); Nusrat Mirza (Rs one lakh). (Khabrain) 
 Renowned columnist Assadullah Ghalib, famous for his diatribes against Jews and Hindus, was caught in Washington hotel after a cleaning maid reported to the police his attempt to seduce her while showing a blue movie on the room TV. Ghalib had earlier denied receiving thousands of dollars from the PML government. (Ausaf) 
Law Minister Punjab, Khalid Ranjha at the funeral procession of V. Chairman Punjab Bar Council, Amin Kalanoori. The memory is not the first thing to go. It’s just when it goes, you forget about all the other things that went before it.........(a Kargil 'insider').
General Karamat now emerging slowly from self-imposed hibernation asks an important question (in a speech he delivered somewhere): "Having been forced to take over in the national interest, should the army apologize and retreat to the barracks till the next government brings us to the brink of disaster...?" The brink of disaster indeed. <>Who triggered the 1965 war? Field Marshal Ayub Khan. <>Who presided over the defeat of the army and the break-up of Pakistan in 1971? General Yahya Khan. <>Who at disastrous cost turned Pakistan into an American instrument during the upheavals in Afghanistan? General Zia-ul-Haq. <>Who at Kargil................. "As I said before, I never repeat myself." (Shaukat Aziz) 
 Q: "Whats the best way to keep milk from turning sour?" Nawaz Sharif:"Keep it in the cow." Q: ". What are you doing by holding your hands tightly over your ears?" Aziz Munshi:"Trying to hold on to a thought." Coke, as you know is a Jewish company. Well, that innocent little image on the can isn't very innocent. If you invert the logo on the Coke, you see an interesting thing. Inverted, the logo clearly spells out "La Muhammad (S), La Makkah" which is Arabic and means "No Muhammad, No Makkah". Is it any coincidence that the company is Jewish and it once ran an ad in which Muslims were doing tawaf around a huge bottle of Coke in the Masjid-e-Haram? (Imran Butt) MQMleader Altaf Hussain said that when Aslam Beg was army chief he offered bribe money for the MQM which the MQM refused to accept. He said he told the general in a meeting in Islamabad that MQM was not for sale, and feared that money sent for MQM could have been taken by 'someone in the middle'. (N.W) On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached Abida Hussain sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket. Abida Hussain replied "I'm an ex-MNA, I have very friendly relations with the generals, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with her the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with Abida asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, she replied, "I'm an ex-MNA, I have very friendly relations with the generals, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what to do about her. The captain said, "I'm married to a lady living in Jhang, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in Abida Hussain 's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York. (a joke) Attn: People detained by the previous government, nabbed by the present rulers or to be grabbed by the next regime. Here is something for you to cheer about. IN PRISON...you spend
the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
IN PRISON...you get
three meals a day.
IN PRISON...you get
time off for good behaviour.
IN PRISON...a guard
locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
IN PRISON...you can
watch TV and read newspapers.
IN PRISON...you get
your own toilet.
IN PRISON...they allow
your family and friends to visit.
IN PRISON...all expenses
are paid by taxpayers with no work required
Salman Rushdi was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where Tahirul Qadri was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a rip-off," Rushdi muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that Tahirul gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork,
the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
(joke)
A Lahore lawyer went to court to seek a sentence against film producer Shamim Ara for naming her dog Laila. His contention was that naming the dog after a human being is a violation of human rights through insult. Since there was an actress in Lahore named Laila the case became politicised. THE BUGGING GAME Here is a list of the people whose phones were bugged by the government of Nawaz Sharif: Present Chief Justice Irshad Hassan Khan, who was a senior judge then. Three officials of the World Bank, Sadiq Ahmed, Shahid Sattar and Ahmed Masood, Three numbers of Hub Power Company, its principal lawyer, Abdul Hafeez Pirzada, S. M. Zafar, Mrs Shahnaz Hussain of Bara Kau, who has been identified as wife of "Shaikh Rashid Ahmed, Tanvir Ahmed Khan, former foreign secretary and now chairman of the Institute of Strategic Studies, Sadruddin Hashwani, chairman, Hashwani Hotels. Dr Shireen Mazari, a known TV compere and editor of the weekly "Pulse Dr Maleeha Lodhi, currently ambassador to Washington, Najam Sethi of Friday Times and his wife Jugnoo Mohsin. Mian Azhar, a rebel to the Sharifs in the Pakistan Muslim League, Aftab Sherpao, Ajmal Khattak, Naheed Khan, secretary to Benazir Bhutto, Farooq Leghari, Asfandyar Wali , All the phones of Asif Zardari and his wife Benazir Bhutto. ..........Some of these names were read out by Law Minister Aziz Munshi while discussing the role of Nawaz Sharif government before the Supreme Court and the lists were supplied to the journalists afterwards. Qasur's constituency NA-106 steadily gave rise to politicians who revolted against their own party leadership. In 1970, Ahmad Raza Qasuri revolted against Bhutto and took him to the gallows. In 1977, Sardar Ahmad Ali left Bhutto and joined General Zia. In 1985 his son Sardar Asif Ahmad Ali left Junejo League and moved together with General Zia. In 1990, Sardar Asif Ahmad Ali was elected on PML ticket but later deserted Nawaz Sharif, becoming Benazir's PDF foreign minister in 1993. In 1997, Mian Khursheed Qasuri revolted against his party leader Nawaz Sharif but was reconciled. After Nawaz Sharif's fall, he became an advocate of PML 'reform' group. From 1970 to 1997, no one elected from NA-106 was loyal. (Khab) An old one; but just to refresh your memories with interesting jokes: An insect fell into a mug of beer Englishman : Throws his mug away and walks out American : Takes the insect out and drinks the beer Chinese : Eats the insect and throws the beer away Indian
: Sells the beer to the American and insect to
Pakistani
: Accuses the Indian for throwing insect
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double.
To begin with, there was the decoy aircraft, but the double wasn't on it.
The first time the double appeared was when the President went to Aiwan-e-Sadr
to meet his counterpart, President Tarrar, who, when the moment
of reckoning came, was two minutes late in receiving Clinton. Guess
what had kept him from being on time? He was meeting the double, thinking
it was the man from Hope, Arkansas. When he was eventually told that he
would now have to meet the real McCoy, he was so confused he grasped the
President's hand in a double handshake and shook it seventeen times. (FT)